This cannot be happening again!
by Brels
Summary: Summary: From the scene in the x-ray room where Arizona tells Callie about Leah. She proceeds to ask Callie if she has slept with anyone? Short story Co-written with Providence26.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 1

I heard the door to the x-ray room where I was studying my patient's latest x-rays open. Arizona said, "We need to talk."

I turned around to look at her when she said, "I have something to tell you if we are going to try to make our marriage work. I slept with someone else whilst we were apart."

I looked at her and just stared when she continued with, "We were not together, you said it was over. Do you have any questions Callie? Because I cannot keep saying I am sorry to you. I have been on the couch for a week when I want to be in our bed if this going to work."

I was too stunned at that moment to reply. The next thing I heard from her was, "Have you been with anyone?"

"Yes, Arizona, I have."

Arizona's jaw dropped and her eyes widened as if she could not believe what I was saying.

"Just one person?"

"No."

"How many?"

"Three in total. One guy and two girls."

"How recently did you have sex with them?" was her next question.

"Not recently, it was just after the gala. They really did nothing for me because they were not you. I just needed a good fuck to put it to you bluntly. When that did not work, I started therapy for me so I could get better after everything that has happened. I needed to find myself. So, how many times for you and who ever? Once, twice?"

Arizona shook her head no.

"Over ten?" She nods. "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you still doing it with her?"

"NO!"

"Arizona, we need to go to couple's therapy if we stand any chance at repairing this. You are not getting into my bed until tomorrow night. I need a night to process this. If you sleep with her again do not bother coming home at all."

"Callie, I have not slept with since her since you asked me to come home, but you should know that she was in my room when you asked me to return. I asked her to get dressed and leave as soon as you left. I want this. Us."


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 2

We had started over by sharing the same bed again, it doesn't sound like much, but for me it was a massive step. We didn't immediately start having sex together that first night. Arizona had seemed to want to, had seemed like she felt entitled, but I was not ready. I honestly was not sure I could handle her hands on my body again.

I managed to psych myself up to being intimate with her again a few days later, I would get flashes of her with Lauren and Leah, wondering if she was comparing us. I had to force myself to focus on Arizona and stop my mind from wandering. It inevitably wandered to the people I had been with whilst we had separated. When I was with them, it was just fast and furious fucking. Designed to drive the demons from my mind more than achieve release. When I was with them I craved being with Arizona again, the familiarity of her body, her sighs and screams, her smell and taste.

But now that I have her back, now that she is here inside me and on top of me, I am suffocating, I think this was too soon, I just grit my teeth and try to get through this.

We had agreed that the best way forward was to attend therapy together. Which had seemed like a fantastic idea in theory, but in practice just seemed to give us more to be angry at each other over.

Today was to feature yet another session, though I really did not feel up to it, I was run down, certain that I am getting the flu. The last thing I needed was to listen to more of Arizona's latent anger over her leg and justifications for her cheating. We had agreed on a clean slate, all this meant in reality was we had limited our anger and recriminations to one hour per week whilst being refereed.

I was still angry over Boswell, over the offer to cut my leg off. By her constant cataloguing of everything she had lost and tallying it against my losses, as though what I lost was trivial in comparison. My challenge is to let this go, to understand that we both lost important things and that if we are to have a future together we need to move forward together. My concern is that if we do not deal with the past, that it will come back to haunt us in the future, destroying everything we are trying to rebuild.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 3

We are sitting in silence in our therapy session. Our therapist has asked us about our sex life during the year after Arizona lost her leg.

Finally, Arizona comments that she felt I rushed her into intimacy. That she no longer felt desirable or beautiful. That she couldn't relax when I touched her for fear of my being repulsed by her.

I am at turns incensed and distraught at this news. "But I told you how beautiful you are, how much I love you. How could you possibly not think I wanted you? If it was so difficult to let me touch you, how come it has been so easy for you to let Lauren and Leah have full access to your body?"

"Because I don't love them. Their opinions didn't matter. They looked at me as I am and thought I was beautiful as is. You would always be looking at me and seeing what was no longer there. Seeing the ways in which I am no longer beautiful."

I just stare at her dumbfounded. I can't find any words to respond.

The therapist asks about our sex life now.

I shift in my seat, uncomfortable talking about this. I am uncomfortable even thinking about it. I decide that I owe it to both of us to be honest.

"I feel that Arizona is rushing me into having sex with her. I cannot stop thinking about her with those other women, even when we are together, it plagues my mind. When she touches me I am constantly wondering whether she is comparing us. I cannot relax and be in the moment with her. It feels like something I am trying to get through rather than enjoy. I find myself not wanting to reciprocate as I imagine 'them' having traced the same path across her body and it haunts me."

"Don't you think I feel the same? The women and men you gave your body to when we were apart. Don't you think the idea of them being with you disgusts me? You always go back to men."

I spit back at her with venom, "The difference, Arizona, is that I would never had been with them if you had not betrayed me with Lauren. And I only ever go back to men when you leave me or cheat on me."

I watch with an almost dispassionate curiosity as she starts to go red with fury and her jaw clenches. I have made a direct hit. It alternately feels satisfying and shameful. I turn back to the therapist, imploring her with a look to intervene.

"Ladies, given that you have now both been active with it seems, multiple partners each, I feel a duty to ask whether you have both taken precautions, I know you are both doctors, but we don't necessarily always practice what we preach."

We share a brief look between us as if to acknowledge the gravity of what we have so far not broached with each other.

Arizona speaks up for both of us, "We will get tested, both of us, as soon as possible."

It seems that this is about the most we can handle for one day. We deliberately make our excuses to each other and go our separate ways at the end of the session.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 4

The following day finds us sitting in a clinic waiting to be tested for STIs. This is a torturous process. Last night we had tried to be as normal as possible with each other. What happens in therapy is not allowed to filter out of therapy. We slept as far as possible from each other; both waking to find the other looks haggard and haunted.

But now, here we sit, in absolute silence, waiting to be called.

We heard our names being called as we both stood up. I stopped Arizona and asked how we are going over the results when they come back. We decide to request sealed envelopes and to read each others at the same time. We were both handed a urine cup after they swab the inside of our mouths then the nurse drew some blood. I followed Arizona into the bathroom. After washing my hands I looked to her and said I guess I will see you at home.

I was cooking dinner when I heard Arizona's key in the door. I greeted her and let her know that dinner would be ready shortly.

"I made spaghetti and meatballs with a salad and some garlic bread. I hope you are hungry. Would like a glass of wine? Have you heard back from the lab over our tests?"

"No, why are you worried Callie?"

"No, I have nothing to be worried about. I used protection Arizona. I was not about to make the same mistake twice. The last thing I need is to be pregnant!"

"I couldn't agree with you more. Look, let's just eat dinner, I am in no mood for more fighting with you."

I cut up dinner for Sofia as usual she made a total mess. I couldn't even really eat, I was just not very hungry. I decided to start cleaning up our dinner plates.

"Come on Sofia, bath time."

"I will do it, she is my daughter too."

Sensing there was an undercurrent that Arizona was not verbalizing I agreed and went in to our bathroom and took my bath. It felt so good to lay there and soak. I have thought about our therapy session wondering if they are going to get any easier. If indeed it is worth all of this pain. I am so tired of hurting. When the water went cold I got out of the tub and decided to just go to bed.

As I open the bathroom door I see Arizona is already in bed reading a journal. I hesitate but climb into bed not willing to engage in conversation tonight, I just want, need, to sleep. I haven't slept properly since before the plane crash. Something has to give, and I feel like it has to happen soon.

I say good night to Arizona and roll onto my side, hoping she will not follow, tears roll silently down my face. I heard, "Good night Calliope, sleep well."


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 5

We both arrived at the lab around the same time. Our results were ready. As soon as we received them we switched envelopes.

"You want to do this in therapy, at home or in one of our offices?"

"We should do this in therapy."

"If that is what you want Arizona, that's fine."

We called up to the therapist office a requested to be seen as soon as possible. The secretary said we could come over there was a cancellation. Arizona and I took the elevator in silence. We go to the office and the doctor brought us right in.

"Well ladies, it looks like you have your blood test results. Who wants to go first?"

"I will read Arizona's first. Well isn't this just fucking awesome? You have Chlamydia."

"No fucking way Calliope, you're reading it wrong."

"Well here you go Arizona, looks like you better talk to your LOVER GIRL MURPHY! Oh wait; maybe it was your other LOVER BOSWELL!"

Arizona looked horrified at her test results. However, I could not even feel sorry for her. I was now pissed because she could have given it to me. "Arizona if you gave this shit to me just don't even fucking talk to me. You could have easily given this shit to me with the fucking losers you slept with! Read me my results Arizona!"

"Alright Calliope."

Our therapist just sat there with a dumbstruck look and motioned for us to take a seat. I looked at Arizona; she looked as horrified as I felt. I could not believe what was happening.

"Hold on, before you read Callie's results we need to discuss your results Arizona."

Before Arizona could answer I spoke up, "I can't believe this is happening. How could you Arizona? How could you get an STD? Why did you cheat? Why did you turn to Murphy? I thought she was straight. Now she has developed feelings for you. When did you stop loving me? I was there for all of the verbal abuse, the blame when you ignored Sofia. I loved you more than life."


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 6

Another week has gone by, it is time for our weekly visit and we are waiting to be called into therapy. I am supposed to hear why Arizona has cheated. I do not know if this will change anything for us. Things are still awkward between us. We are both trying but I just cannot seem to get past the cheating. I can forgive her for her behavior towards Sofia and me. I still cannot really bear for her to touch me.

"Arizona, we will start with you today, so you can now explain to Callie why you chose to be unfaithful."

"Lauren didn't see me as a cripple. She saw me as a beautiful woman. We flirted. It was nice."

"So you're saying that your wife didn't see you as beautiful anymore and that she saw you as a cripple?"

"I told you all the time you were beautiful."

"But you're my wife you did it out of obligations and our vows" Arizona screamed.

"So you're saying that you felt that you were able to be unfaithful because your wife's opinion of you was no longer valid since she cut off your leg?"

"So this is your excuse for sleeping with her and Murphy? It goes back to the leg Arizona?"

"Yes. Murphy was just there, I used her. I thought we were over. I didn't want to be alone."

"How could you do this Arizona? You do not consider anyone else's feeling. You said you were trying to get me back but you continued to screw Murphy. Look, I need to go; I cannot even look at you. Who the hell have you become?"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 7

"OH MY GOD YOU'RE FUCKING PREGNANT! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!"

I tore the paper out of her hand and just stared at it.

"I used protection, every time."

"Apparently not."

I am trying so hard to think back, I barely remember the guy, we only had one night together, we had started chatting at Joe's Bar, he reminded me so much of Mark. I felt so safe with him, but beautiful too. I had not been that drunk, we made sure we used condoms each time that night. The next morning he left early, but we had sex one last time before we had to get up to start the day. I am desperately trying to remember if we made sure he wore a condom that time too, but I just cannot visualize it. That must have been when it happened.

"What are you going to do about it?" Arizona asks, interrupting my recollections. She seems to have understood where my mind wandered to and is looking furious.

"'It' is a baby, my baby, and I am going to keep it."

"I am your wife; shouldn't we be making this decision together?"

"This happened after you cheated on me Arizona, should I be the one apologizing to you for actions I took after you betrayed our marriage?"

She steps away from me and looks as though she is trying to calm herself down.

"I need to think about this Callie, this is unexpected. I need some time."

"Fine, try not to fuck anybody whilst you're considering this, and end up with more diseases."

It was a low blow that I regretted as soon as I said it, but I could not take it back, and I was unwilling to apologize for it.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 8

It has been such a long and tedious day of paperwork and trying to void Arizona, I am just getting ready to collect Sofia from daycare when Arizona knocks on my office door and pops her head in.

"Can we talk?"

I feel so weary of all of this but nod my head in agreement.

"I know so much of this whole situation is my fault. I know that your decision to cut off my leg was based in love, and out of fear of losing me completely. But I need you to understand, I don't feel like I am the same person anymore, I feel lesser, not whole. I do not feel desirable, I feel like people look at me now. I don't want to be pitied, I want to be me."

"I never pitied you. You have always been beautiful to me. Even in your worst moments you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, you were my everything. Even if you had lost all your limbs I would have still found you desirable and the most beautiful person in the world."

"Were? Past tense?"

"I can't lie to you Arizona, the damage you have done to our marriage and my heart is enormous. I want to get past it, fix it. I want to look at you again and see that beautiful woman I would have done anything for, I am trying, and you have to give me time to deal with this. I hope the damage is not irrevocable."

"I am ready."

"What?"

"For a second child. I am all in to be a mother again. Are you going to tell the father?"

"I don't know who he is. It was just a one night stand, he meant nothing." It was a small lie, though I would never see him again, the uncanny resemblance to Mark when I needed my best friend so badly, actually meant everything.

Arizona nods, accepting this information, "This baby can be our way forward, a renewal of sorts."

The irony of the timing is not lost on me. Arizona's previous desertion, leaving me alone in an airport whilst she flies thousands of miles for a three-year stretch in Africa, only to return and beg for her place at my side. I always seem to blindsided her with a baby. An unwanted baby on her part.

"Fine, when I am further along we will tell Sofia she is getting a sibling."

"We will need t move to a bigger apartment, maybe a house with a garden."

"Slow down Arizona, we need to take this slowly."

"I understand."


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 9

Sofia is having a sleepover at Zola's house tonight, which meant we have had the evening to ourselves. It has been a little tense at times, with some very awkward silences. Our silences never used to be awkward. There are so many unasked questions that hover on my tongue, but I am too unwilling to argue this evening to put voice to them. I know that Arizona felt the evening went well, she is sleeping curled up to me, I cannot stop replaying the last two hours in my head. We had sex again, I tried so hard to give myself to her completely, but opening myself up to her was painful emotionally. I wanted to hide my body from her gaze and touch. I felt the need to protect myself from my own wife. This is not how things should be. I faked it. For the first time ever with Arizona I faked an orgasm. I just wanted her attention to end, I felt like throwing her hands and mouth off of my body, it all felt wrong. I am not sure if she figured it out, but she moved up my body and snuggled next to me.

This cannot go on the way it is. Either I let go of the betrayal and forgive her, or I need to end this now, before we destroy each other even more.

As I lay here, I am not sure which possibility is worse.


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 10

After my surgery has run long and I am rushing to the day care to pick up Sofia, my phone beeps, she is letting me know that she has arranged for Sofia to stay with Meredith tonight and that I should come straight home.

Twenty minutes later I walk into the apartment to find a table set romantically, candles flickering, and Arizona, standing next to the table looking radiant in a ruby-red dress.

She looks so perfect.

"Calliope, I am so glad you are home. I have arranged dinner, I hope you are hungry."

She says this in an almost seductive manner.

"To what do I owe the honor of this?"

"Sit Calliope, I will just get you some wine. Today is going to be a new start for us, the beginning of the rest of our lives together."

I have to give Arizona credit, the meal was delicious, I have a sneaking suspicion she had the meal catered, but she was trying. I am starting to feel claustrophobic again, I know that she is going to want this night to end with us making love, but I am uncertain whether I can even think about that again after our previous encounter.

"Callie, I want to ask you something."

"Hmm?" I query.

Arizona produces a box from seemingly nowhere and says, "I want us to start again, fresh, with a clean slate, I want our marriage to be rid of the baggage we attached, we can get married legally this time, will you marry me, Calliope?"

I am speechless. Alternately horrified and confused. How can she possibly think that we are here already? Does she not see how broken we are? How badly she has broken me. Doesn't she see how much there is to fix? It feels like the Arizona Robbins' quick fix solution is being applied to this situation as well. A few choice words and all is forgiven.

She is looking at me with such hope, pleading for me to say yes, but it has all crystallized in my mind, I know what I need to do now.

"No Arizona, I can't. I want a divorce."


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 11

After I told her no on getting remarried I told Arizona I wanted a divorce. She just sat there with tears rolling down her face. I looked at her and said, "You are asking me to marry you when we cannot even get through a therapy session listening to one another. We don't sit and talk to each other about our day anymore. When was the last time we asked each other about our awesome surgeries? We haven't even tried to really be together. The last time we had sex, I faked the orgasm for fuck's sake. I have to see Murphy pine for you every fucking day, Arizona. What part don't you get? What we had been a special, one of a kind love. We were soul mates. I just cannot get past you sleeping with these women. You knew her three fucking days, Arizona. Three fucking days. These women have seen you naked,

fucked you without your leg and I wasn't allowed to touch you! We took fucking vows, until death do us part and sickness and in health. We took vows."

I broke down crying saying this to her. "You broke the most sacred thing between two lovers, Arizona. I cannot seem to recover from that. I loved you more than life, Arizona. I couldn't lose you. Right now I fucking hate you more than anything. At the gala I know April heard me and told you that I said you were dead. You are dead to me Arizona. You never came back from the woods. I don't know who you are. I don't think you know who you are. You have fought therapy all the way. Because you don't need help right, Arizona? Nobody can tell you anything! Tell me why can't you be honest in therapy? What the hell are you afraid of? Have you bothered to tell your parents that your marriage is falling apart? Or that you fucked two other women and cheated on your wife? Better yet, how you ignored your daughter for months? Did you tell the Colonel what a good man in the storm you are?"

Laughing my fucking ass off on that note as Arizona couldn't move and looking at me like I just broke her. "Yeah, don't worry, I see the look in your eye, you're going to go find someone to fuck right? Just go, Arizona. I will have papers drawn up. You can have the apartment with almost everything in it. I will find a house for me and Sofia. The only thing I want is my trust fund. Just fucking go, God damn it."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to Shonda Rhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

chapter 12

Arizona POV

I couldn't move when Calliope said no, the hurt I felt paralyzed me. Then when she continued with how we don't really communicate. How I haven't been honest in therapy, refusing help is all true. I had no business asking her to remarry me. What the hell was I thinking? How could she think I don't love her? She is the love of my life. As I listened to her and watched her tears roll down her face and the hurt in her voice, I knew she was as broken as me. I am responsible for this. I broke her. I made the decision to get on the plane! I know she made the decision for my leg which I still struggle with, but if I was in her shoes I would have done the same thing. Everything out of her beautiful mouth is true.

I wiped my tears away while looking at her beautiful face as I proceeded to tell her everything she said is true. "Calliope, I will not sign the divorce papers. I want time to discuss all my issues. I will continue therapy while living here with you and Sofia. I don't want it to be awkward between us. I know it will be, but I refuse to leave Calliope. I have absolutely no intention of sleeping with anyone else ever again."

I watched her as I waited for all of this to sink in, she sat motionless and still asked me to leave. I make sure to call her Calliope as often as I can, to remind her of my love and adoration of her.

"No, Calliope, I am not leaving. I know you still love me no matter what. I will not bail. Since Sofia is not here I will rearrange her room for me to stay in there tonight. I need your help Calliope, to get better and I swear to you I will talk, not yell or let things fester. I need you, please understand, Calliope. I need you to be there for me, please Callie, I am begging you. Wait on drawing up the papers. I will put Leah in her place and apologize for using her. I will be upfront and honest with you. We can do this Cal, I love you. I never once stopped loving you. I am so fucking broken, Calliope. I don't know how to get out of the hole I am in. I feel like I am clawing at the sides of the hole and more dirt keeps piling in on me. My feet are cemented to the bottom, I cant seem to move or breathe, Calliope. I have tried lying, I didn't

want you to see me as your broken wife. I wanted to be there for you, but I couldn't, Calliope. I shut down. I wished I was dead everyday Calliope. I still feel that way. Those women meant nothing to me. I don't know why I did it, it didn't even feel good. I just felt worse as I continued to die inside."


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

A/N - _We are both fans of Arizona and Callie individually and also Calzona, we are merely exploring one possibility of one outcome. That is the purpose of fanfiction, to explore other story lines featuring popular characters, we understand that some people will not like where we have taken these characters. It is your right to feel any way you want about our story. If you are not enjoying it, please stop reading. We thank those of you who have been supportive. It is appreciated._

_We would however ask that reviews be either constructive or informative. Abusive reviews that feature hate towards either the writers or the characters are not taken seriously. _

Chapter 13

"I don't know if I can do that Arizona, I just don't know if this is something I can get past. You have destroyed something within me, as well as my trust and faith in you. I don't know if I have the will to find out if it can be fixed."

Arizona looks at me with an almost desperate expression on her face. My natural instinct is to try and comfort her, but I can no longer bring myself to touch her and I am at war with myself.

"Callie, please, I beg you, just don't end it yet, let's just wait. I will prove to you that I am worth your trust and your love."

I look at Arizona and despite everything in me telling me to get as far away from her as I can, I find myself agreeing.

"Fine. But don't mistake me Arizona, right now there is no hope inside of me for this marriage. You obliterated all of my dreams and I am not sure you or I can put them back together. You need to understand that this may just be delaying the inevitable."

"Please Cal, just one more chance."

I am not proud of my response when I find myself sneering at her, "I seem to recall already giving you your one last chance." It is a low blow and I know it, but I can't help it. I feel so stupid and oblivious. How could I have been so blind? My marriage was crumbling down around me and I was in such a haze of happiness, thinking that we were finally back on track, that Arizona was recovering, I do not know if I possess the amount of forgiveness this would take. I have another baby to think of now. After her cheating I know I did not behave like a saint. I know that I slept with those people to feel something.

It takes Arizona a moment but she comes back with, "And I seem to remember telling you that if you ever slept with someone else ever again that I would kick your ass."

We both realize at the same moment the hypocrisy and absurdity of that comment, she looks at me and I can see the shame radiating from her eyes. I don't know what to do with it, I am lost, drowning.

I should know what I want but I waiver between wanting her, a future with her and utter despair at how broken I feel.

I do not have the luxury of time on this. I need to get my head together, and figure out what it is I want.

I come to a compromise with the warring factions within me. "Five more therapy sessions together Arizona and we will see where we are. But you need to have your solo therapy sessions too. At the end of those, if I still want a divorce, I don't want to have to fight you on this."

"I promise Cal, I will show you that we can make this work."


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 14

I had agreed to give our marriage one last, honest try, so here I sit in therapy again. Today it's my turn to talk and oh boy do I plan on talking. "We have agreed to five more sessions with you and if doesn't work she agrees to sign the divorce papers without a fight."

"Are you willing to give it your all in here to see if you can save your marriage?"

I nod, unable to get the word yes out of my mouth.

"Then Callie we will start with you and your fears as well as discuss infidelity. "

"Yeah, I just can't wait. You know that I have been cheated on before, when I was married to George and Arizona was aware of this. She knew how much it hurt me. I did everything for him to love me, I just don't understand why I am not good enough for Arizona or why I wasn't good enough for George. Hell, even Erica just walked away and left me standing in the parking lot. What the hell is wrong with me? What do I keep doing wrong to be cheated on? I no longer trust anything she says. Arizona has lied about everything. How do I know if she is telling the truth about wanting to stay? How the hell will I know if she is really in this to make it work? How the hell am I ever going to trust her again? She could say she is working late and I would believe her yet she is probably in the on call room having sex with God knows who. Hell she had sex during a storm while everyone else was trying to save lives. "

"Callie are you going to give me a chance to talk?'

"Of course you can talk, you're the doctor here today."

"I take it Arizona is aware of all your feelings and thoughts?"

"Yes, but apparently it doesn't matter she still cheated and lied, you know I could probably forgive her over the lies but I am truly struggling with her Infidelity. Once that trust is broken how do you get it back? I asked.

"It has to be rebuilt," the therapist said looking at me. "Callie, it will take months for Arizona to earn that. But you have to stop your mind from wondering all the time."

"I am so scared to even do anything with her, when she left me for Africa then came back, she begged for one more chance. I knew then if I let her in she would hurt me. I told her that too. I have quite the track record with relationships. If you don't have trust what the hell do you have? I don't want her to report to me where she is all the time, and I don't want to spy on her either. This is never going to work. I can't even bear it when she just tries to rub my arm, my skin crawls. I just don't understand how she can justify her behavior. She screamed at me for over six months, ignored Sofia for months. She gets back to work, things are going great then one woman flirts with her and she fucks her. I couldn't go near her for over year, she kicked me out of our bedroom. Just three days it took," I said as I felt the tears rolling down my cheeks. "I don't know what to do and now I am pregnant again, how much worse will this get? I cannot do this anymore; I cannot keep fighting with her."

"Callie do you still love Arizona?"

"Yes, I love Arizona, but I honestly don't know if I am in love with her anymore. I thought she was my soul mate. She was the love of my life. Then the fucking plane accident! I don't want her to stay because I am pregnant or because of Sofia, to stay together for those reasons would just make things worse. If Arizona doesn't want a commitment to just me then we need to just get a divorce. I know she has PSTD and she keeps telling me it was a mistake, the biggest one of her life, yet she knew what she was doing when she did it. I cannot get the images out of my head….."


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 15

We have had three sessions so far with two to go. I don't see where we are moving forward though. I feel like I have put it all out there on the table for Arizona. I have to admit she is really trying. I find my coffee made in the morning for me, when I get to work if she is free she meets me at day care to drop off Sofia or at the coffee cart. I received more texts than normal from her. I feel like she is over trying but I am afraid to say anything in fear of another fight. So instead I invited her to lunch a few times, but we sat there awkwardly in the cafeteria. I felt like everyone was staring at us and just couldn't take it. I looked at Arizona and said, "I can't stay here with you; I can'tstand everyone looking at us, especially Murphy. I am going for a walk over to the park, I need some air."

Just as I got to the doors to leave, I felt Arizona slip her hand into mine for everyone to see that yes, we are together. I think Arizona was trying to make a statement to Murphy and it actually made me feel good. She pulled me aside and asked if I minded if she joined me on my walk to the park. I looked at her and said that would be nice. So we walked hand and hand right out the front door as we headed to the park.

"You know Calliope, it's a beautiful day today, would you like to go out on a date tonight? I know we both get off at six tonight. I will make arrangements for Sofia. We can go anywhere you like tonight you name it."

"Yeah, Arizona that would be nice, how about that nice Italian restaurant a few blocks from here we like?

"How have you been feeling Calliope with the nausea? Are you doing okay? I have heard you in the bathroom lately."

"I am doing better, I just started feeling better but, I seem too hungry all the time. I have noticed my favorite jeans are tight already."

"You're beautiful you know, I always thought so when you were pregnant with Sofia, you had this magical glow about you. Calliope, I love you with all that I am, please don't ever forget that."

"Why are you saying that now? Are you leaving Arizona?"

"No I am not leaving Calliope, I told you I am in this, I am not leaving or bailing. I was just telling you I love you and I will always love you Calliope. I am so sorry all this has happened to us. There is so much that has happened and well I am still learning to process all this. I finally feel like we have some normalcy at home and with work as well as our routine with Sofia. I so desperately want things to go back to normal for us but, I know now we have to take our time, or at least I do to make sure I get it right this time."

I listen to Arizona talk and for the first time she sounded normal, like she meant everything she said but I am struggling to believe her.

"I want to believe you," I said as she looked at me, "I don't know if I can with all the lies prior, I just don't trust you Arizona, so I really don't know what to believe. I know you're trying, really I do, but I am scared Arizona. I just don't know if this can be saved for us."


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 16

This is our final therapy session, I have one last chance to convince Callie that I want to be in this marriage. I am trying not to let my desperation show. I have failed all of us, myself the most. I am scared to death that in a couple of hours time I will have no choice but to sign the divorce papers. I gave her my word and I cannot fail Callie again.

I have tried so hard to keep people from seeing how empty and broken I have been ever since the plane crash. I do not do vulnerability and weakness well. I have hidden these things from everyone and if I want to keep Callie I am going to have to expose every dark, shameful weakness that I possess.

If it helps me keep Callie then it will be worth it.

I tune back in to the doctor asking me for my take on my feelings and how we got to where we are.

"I just want to say first that I am so deeply sorry Callie, I am so deeply ashamed of my words and actions over the past 18 months. I have been weak, vengeful, I have betrayed both you and myself,"

Callie looks up at me with a quizzical expression at this point.

"I betrayed you by blaming you, by cheating on you, by lying to you and by the abusive words and behavior that littered my physical recovery process. I was hurt, and ashamed. I was a super, awesome Peds surgeon, and then, all of a sudden, I was a victim and a patient. I was human. Fallible. And I blamed you. You were my scapegoat. By blaming you, I got to spare myself some of that blame. I betrayed myself by treating the woman I love above all others with such disdain and disgust. I am truly repulsed by my own behavior towards you. I look back and feel such shame and sorrow. I do not know if I can ever make this up to you. I know that you were trying your best to help me, I know that you did not always know what the best thing to do was, but you stuck by me and I repaid you in the worst way. I was so scared that you would leave me. That one day you would look at me and see what I saw, an incomplete shell of a human being, no longer beautiful, no longer worth your love. So I verbally berated you, I pushed you away, and then pulled you back in, I never let you regain any kind of equilibrium in our relationship. My behavior was abhorrent. I know that now, I see it all with such clarity. I want you to know that I was not emotionally stable, I would never have done this to you if I was. I know that I undermined how much you lost and how deeply the plane crash affected your life too. I am sorry I belittled your losses. The loss of my leg and what it represented seemed to outweigh everything in my mind."

I can hear Callie sniffling but I cannot look at her yet, I need to get all of this out before I look into the eyes that I love so much, I have to let her know everything before I see whether this is going to be the end, if she chooses divorce, it is not going to be because I withheld the truth from her.

"I need for you to understand that you, Calliope Iphigenia Torres, are the most beautiful woman that I have ever seen. No one, not one other person, even approaches the beauty that you are Callie. I know that you believe that you were not good enough, that my cheating was symptomatic of you not being 'good enough' or 'sexy enough'. That is not the case. You are amazing Calliope, I look at you and I am in awe that you chose me, that you would even think to give me a chance. I cheated because I was broken, not for anything to do with you. I needed outside validation. It sounds so stupid when I put it into words. I just didn't believe that I was worthy of you anymore, and I needed to be worthy and beautiful to someone. I wasn't thinking straight, my head was all over the place, and things that made sense to me at the time, seem so ridiculous now. I love you with every fiber of my being, I cherish every second I get to be with you, because I understand now, how truly devastating it is not to be with you, not to see you smile, hear your laugh. I live for those moments , Calliope, please don't take them away from me."


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 17

I feel like I have been hit by a freight train. Finally, Arizona has opened up about her feelings and motivations. When she was speaking, I could feel how difficult telling us her feelings was for her. She has never been the sort to expose her innermost feelings. I can only remember a handful of times, and she always did so grudgingly, when she had something to lose. But I also understand that this is a front, I know she feels things so deeply. When she does let me in, I feel like the luckiest person alive, to be given that glimpse into her guarded soul. If we were to continue, I would have to make it clear that I need to hear what is going on in her head and her heart. I cannot just be expected to second guess her all the time. I can feel Arizona and our therapist waiting for me to say something. I know I am taking too long, I can feel Arizona getting impatient with worry. I just need to think.

Finally, long moments later, I look up, "Can we go home now?"

Arizona looks at me with a kind of reserved joy, "Does this mean you don't want a divorce?"

I hesitate, unwilling to commit, fortunately the therapist comes to my rescue.

"You have just provided Callie with an immense amount to process and digest Arizona, how about we give Callie a bit of time, and if you feel like you need anymore sessions, individually or together, you know my number."

The rest of the day I spent on autopilot, I was trying to process as much as I could before going home, I knew Arizona would be looking at me, expecting to hear what the fate of our marriage would be. I hang around my patients longer than really necessary, trying to postpone our next conversation as long as possible.

My thoughts of Arizona are continuously interrupted by my thoughts about tomorrow, I have an ultrasound booked. I had not told Arizona yet, I wasn't sure if we would be doing this together or if I would be doing this as a single parent. When my thoughts stray to the future and what I want for this child I know what my decision is.

**A/N We have decided to cater for you all, some of you may remember the Choose Your Own Adventure stories popular in the 1980s. We have decided to emulate their format for the conclusion only. So you get to choose which ending you prefer, the choices are as follows:**

**For a happily ever after go straight to chapter 18.**

**For the demise of your once favorite couple go straight to chapter 19.**

**For an open ended epilogue go to chapter 20.**

**Thank you for reading our story. **


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 18

We had the rare pleasure of a day off together, we were sitting drinking coffee, I was having my one allotted cup whilst watchingArizona as she read the paper. I must have zoned out thinking of our last therapy session, I have decided to try and make a go of our marriage. Arizona has continued to be very supportive and fully present, she hasn't made me second guessher thoughts, we seem to both be opening up more to one another. I see the sparkle in her eye coming back when she looks at me. She is so beautiful and she doesn't even know it, I never stopped loving her it makes me wonder how will she really feel when I start showing, I already have a little bump. I have noticed I am bigger than I was with Sofia at this stage. As I continue to day dream about Arizona, I was now to thinking about sex, my hormones have really amped up my arousal level. I heard Arizona calling my name, "Calliope, where were you just now?"

"Arizona, I have my appointment for my first ultrasound today, in about thirty minutes. Would you like to come with me?" I watched her dimples pop as she seemed thrilled,and a little surprised, with the invite.

"I would love to go Calliope, let me go get ready while you get Sofia and we can put her in the daycare whilst we are there."

Arizona and I made it to the appointment just in time. I stepped into bathroom to put on the gown. I was not yet ready to strip in front of Arizona and when I am I don't want it to be in a doctor's office.

I am sitting on the table when the doctor walks in, I was secretly happy she was female.

"Okay Mrs. Torres, I need you to lie back sowe can get our first look at your baby. I understand that you already have a daughter, is that right?"

"Yes, we do."

The doctor looks up at us both, I clarify for her, "This is my wife, Arizona." The doctor gives a smile to Arizona and continues with the exam.

"Let's get started, the gel is a little cold, as I am sure you remember from last time."

I nodded, and just then felt Arizona's hand on my shoulder, before the doctor put the wand on my stomach, she had the monitor turned to just her at that point. I looked up at Arizona, whocould read theexpressions in my eyes; she squeezed my shoulder as if she knew I needed answers now.

"So are you going to turn that screen around so we can see, turn up the volume to hear the heartbeat"?

Before the doctor turned the monitor around we heard a very strong heartbeat, just then,as the monitor was turned I heard Arizona gasp, I looked over to her for answers to see her eyes were filled with tears, "Weare pregnant with twins, Calliope!"

"Twins? I am carrying twins? Oh My God." I started to cry.

"Calliope, I hope those are happy tears," Arizona said.

"So Callie, I want to see you again in a month'stime, here is a prescription for your vitamins, and your pictures, I printed two sets. If you think you need to come in sooner just call the office for an appointment, it was a pleasure to meet you both."

After the doctor left I sat up just staring at the pictures. Arizona stepped in between my legs looking at me, she put her hands on my cheeks and kissed me, it felt wonderful. I started to kiss her back, it was the first time in such a long time that I had felt like this, that I felt like us. I pulled back with a smile as she looked at me and said, "We are having twins, Arizona, I am so excited."

"Calliope, I would love to take you home and make love to you right now."

I saw the lust in Arizona's eyes as her cheeks redden and her dimples popping, "Sorry, is this too much? Too soon?"

I lifted her chin with my finger and said, "Then why don't you?"She grabbed my clothes so fast I started laughing. We practically ran to the apartment, when Arizona closed the door I heard the lock and she was on me. All of a sudden she stepped back, "Calliope,I am sorry, we need to slow down ,I want to make love you, not rush through this." As she was saying this she was pulling me into the bedroom.

We made love all afternoon it was the first time in a long time I have felt this loved, this cherished by Arizona. I didn't fake anything, I really enjoyed every moment of herfeasting on my body. I didn't second guess anything; I wasn't wondering if she was comparing me to her other sex buddies. I truly felt loved today, as we laid there I looked at her and finally said, "Thank you for being all in, I love you with all that I am."

The End


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 19

I have my ultrasound this morning, I am at turns elated and sad, I am so happy to be having a second child, I have always wanted a houseful of children, but I am still so torn over my issues with Arizona.

I believe that she meant everything she said in the therapy session. I believe that she is sorry, and I believe that she loves me. Her words have always been able to enter straight inside my heart.

My reservations still stem from my own issues. How can I trust her ever again. I entrusted her with my heart, with my daughter's heart. She spent months breaking my heart slowly and then when I thought we were getting better she shattered what was left. I look back at the verbal abuse I took, the silences, the distancing of herself from Sofia, these should have been major signs to me that we had deep issues that needed addressing and I ignored them, hoped they would go away or get better on their own. What will I put up with in the future from her if I allow this relationship to continue?

Will I ever feel enough for her? Will I see her glance at a beautiful woman and wonder what is going through her head? If she is just waiting for an opportunity.

If I am having these doubts, is it really fair on either of us to continue?

Twins. Oh my God, I am having twins. I have gone to sit on the bench in the park. Our bench. I feel like I am in shock. Somehow, the gravity of bringing not just one, but two new lives into the world clarifies my situation and my options for me.

"Arizona, can we talk?"

I see her hesitate and the quickly concealed fear in her eyes, it makes me think she has an idea of what I have chosen to do.

"Ever since the therapy session I cannot stop thinking about what you said. I want you to know that I forgive you for cheating on me." I see a sheen of tears spring up in her eyes as she lets out the breath she has been holding. "I also forgive you for everything that happened post plane crash. I know your entire world changed, and I will never understand just how much, and I can never verbalize to you how dark that period was for me too, and I don't think I want to re-live that, just to highlight just how alone we both felt."

"Callie,"

"No, please, let me finish this, it is hard enough to do without being sidetracked. I am asking you to sign the divorce papers."

"Callie, please, no," Arizona starts to cry, shaking her head back and forth softly.

"Arizona, you said you wouldn't fight this. I need for this marriage to end. I have to move forward with my life. I have been thinking so much about this. I do not think I am ever going to fully trust you ever again. And really, how can you ask me to? You slept with another woman in our place of work, I was only a few floors away from you, Sofia, was only a few floors away from you. I have made a conscious decision to forgive you, but I do not feel that there will be a point where I will look at you and not remember this, every time I reach out to touch you, I think of her, I can't live that way Arizona. Please don't ask me to. I need to feel like I am enough, like I am the most beautiful person in the eyes of my partner, and you made me feel that way for so long, and then you made me feel worthless, like I was not good enough for you anymore. And I don't know how to get rid of the ghost of that. That feeling haunts me. What about when you talk to a pretty nurse or intern at the hospital? How do I trust that it is purely platonic for you? You broke my trust, you shattered my heart and you destroyed our marriage. I don't see anything to fight for, if these had been as important to you as you say, then why treat them so carelessly?"

"Please Callie, we're having another baby, we can re-build us, we can do this."

"No, we can't. We would both have to be willing to rebuild it, and from my perspective, there is nothing left to build with, you ground it down until it is no more than sand. I will not raise my babies in a facsimile of a marriage."

"Babies? Plural?"

"Twins. I am having twins."

"I want this, I want you, Calliope. Please?"

"No Arizona, this is just all so much words, and it makes me wonder if that is all it ever was. I loved you so much, you know. I thought we were forever, I wanted to grow old with you. But now, I think being married to you would start to feel like a prison. I need to move on. We both need to be with people who we can trust and feel see us and love us as we are. I really hope you find that person Arizona. I want you to have love in your life. It just cannot be from me. "

"I love you, Calliope."

"I loved you too, sign the papers."

The End


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: The characters in this story are not mine and they belong to ShondaRhimes and producers of Grey's Anatomy

A/N - I have co-written with providence26. I have to give her most of the credit for our story. Please let us know what you think. Thank you Jackie

Chapter 20

I am so nervous, Callie has an ultrasound today, I saw the confirmation slip with the date and time, but she has not mentioned it to me. It is making me nervous. Is she cutting me out? Does she not want me in her life anymore? I had thought that I had gotten through to her in our last therapy session. I laid everything bare, but she has not really responded, just retreated into herself, it is like she is weighing every option, I feel like a defendant awaiting the jury's deliberations.

I make sure that I am at her appointment fifteen minutes before it is due, I have decided that I am not going to make it easy for her to dismiss me from her life. I am the one who has made all the mistakes, and I am the one who needs to fight for my place in her life. I refuse to lose this battle.

Callie is already in the waiting room and looks surprised to see me, "Arizona, what are you doing here?"

"We are going to see our baby on an ultrasound, where else would I be?"

"I haven't decided yet, what I am going to do, perhaps you shouldn't be here."

"I am not going anywhere until you decided definitively that I have absolutely no place in your life, until that moment, I am going to be right beside you."

"I cannot give you any guarantees, Arizona, I haven't been able to think about our future yet, I have been thinking about this baby."

"That's okay Cal, we will do this one moment at a time. I will do what ever you want."

At that moment, Callie is called to go in, "Ready?" I ask her, "I'm ready."

The End


End file.
